TITLE: 8 Things That Maketh Not The Lady.

ARTICLE BODY follows:

1. Tattoos.

Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About twelve years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started defacing themselves. Unfortunately, unlike last years' shoes, tattoos can't be taken to the thrift shop and dumped.

To a certain class of person, tattoos are 'cool'. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft. They're also a useful way to identify one absolutely to the authorities. Which shows how stupid some criminals are; they're covered in 'em!

The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers. I associate nose rings with bulls, and piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look unsightly. I understand they never heal, after a while.

With tattoos and piercings, before you've opened your mouth, you've already typed yourself to people you meet.

2. Highlights and streaks.

Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel twenty years ago. Now they just look common. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days.

It's true that blondes have more fun. I used to be one, in me muso days! Most people on the planet are dark. A non-blonde with blonde hair looks 'interesting'.

Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they're doing it in Romford, it's buried!

3. Big hoop earrings.

Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. Which is fine if you are one. Strangely popular. Where do women get the idea these are attractive? Perhaps they're to make the wearer's head look smaller. Add them to the features above, and an unattractive type emerges.

4. Binge drinking.

Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it. If you are the spectator, it's less so.

5. Visible G-string.

This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you haven't the figure to pull it off. Likely to provoke a reaction of 'Mother of G*d!' when viewed on the pasty, blemished buttocks of the 'full-figured' lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, then 'peek-a-boo!'. Aieee!

I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-faced. Now I now. Half are trying to ward off vulgar advances from men, the other half are annoyed they're not getting any!

There's nothing sexy about contrived, blatant eroticism. What's erotic is what seems to be an accident. 'A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking' etc.

Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your employer allows such clothing. He doesn't? I wonder why?

G'wan, show us yer arse!

6. Swearing.

Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It's unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.

7. Breast Augmentation.

Also known as a 'boob job'. These look fine, from a distance. Compared to a natural pair, they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transvestite is to a 'red hot mama'; no competition.

Up close, they're just not as good as the real thing. A perfectly functional piece of equipment has been turned into a cartoon joke, with possible long-term medical consequences.

Some men like small breasts. Beauty is a matter of proportion. Some women are neurotic about their appearance; nothing will please them.

A good example is ...

8. Disappearing Eyebrows.

They get plucked away to nothingness, then get drawn or tattooed back in. And this is better? One can end up looking freakish, even clown-like. Loss of hair suggests illness. Plucking out one's hair is often a sign of mental illness. Girls, desist! Don't try to gild the lily!

I live in East London, UK. You can see girls who have all of the above features, every day. I could go on: The 'pineapple' hair-do. The skin tanned to leather. The blue eye-shadow.

When did women get the idea that looking like a 1960's prostitute was an attractive style? Who is to blame? I want names, dammit!

IMPORTANT NOTE: There are people who'll encourage you in the above. They'll say you look lovely. Misery loves company, and some people delight in the fall of others.

Be your own woman. Stand back from yourself, your life and your surroundings, and decide your own destiny.

About the author: T. O' Donnell http://www.tigertom.com is an ecommerce consultant and curmudgeon living in London, UK.